was sitting on my porch this afternoon looking at forms trying to decide if I should swallow my pride and fill out a form for reduced lunches at school for my children. I was trying to figure out how to tell my children what I had to do…but not scare them. Their world has been shaken enough over the last few months. Earlier today I was researching how to get back to school to finish my degree to be able to support myself and children and be able to pay for school after being a stay at home mom for over a decade. I was just trying to figure out life and how to survive and felt so overwhelmed how can I do these things and still support my children? Then two wonderful, beautiful ladies of honor, grace and mercy pulled up to my house. I was curious and a little nervous. Then I was stunned when they gave me such a HUGE gift. My pantry is packed, my fridge is PACKED, my dog is fed and I can breathe for a little bit. We prayed. I cried… we hugged. Not just the little meaningless hugs but a true bear hug from the heart as if we've known each other for years. In fact I was so stunned I cannot not remember their names. I will call them Grace and Angel in my mind =) Looking back I think I lost all manners. I didn't offer them a drink of water or even to stay and sit to chat.... All I can do is say thank you though email.
My children came home from school a few minutes after “Grace and Angel” left. I was putting away all the groceries. They asked where it came from. I told them a group of ladies we never met wanted to bless us to show us Gods love. Let me tell you, these gifts were certainly from God. The things in the grocery bags were so “us”. There were things that I don't think you would normally see in food pantries or other services. Things that are my children's favorite candy, cookies and lunch box items that they LOVE. Items that I was out of but could use such as flour and sugar. I ran out of garbage bags today and there was a huge box of garbage bags. there were homemade jams and jellies and syrups and fresh fruit and veggies and gift cards, and money.... I could go on and on!!!!!! These were things only God could have only organized with favorites and current needs. My kids were on cloud NINE! I felt so happy -still stunned- but happy. My kids were happy and EXCITED… there was soooo much!
Then I felt guilt. Who am I to deserve all this? There are more people out there in much greater need than me. I have a roof over my head, at least for the next month or two. If you were to pull up in my neighborhood, to my house you would think how well off I maybe. I live in a fancy neighborhood. You may think why would someone in a neighborhood like this need a handout. You would never know behind the fancy house there was a newly single mom just a month or so ago was crying in her pantry because her kids were hungry after coming home extra late after serving in church and having nothing quick to make such as a sandwiches or mac and cheese. That summer day we had soup with no crackers because I didn't have any. By looking at me you wouldn't know I would leave lunch meat off my sandwich (or eat ramen noodles and take the lack of nutrition instead because its cheaper) so my kids could have it the next day. I didn't want them to notice what we didn't have anymore. Yes, I felt like our world was changing drastically and many days I felt like I was drowning…but WHO AM I compared to the next person who dealing with as much as I am or most likely even more. There's alway someone who has a greater need.
Then I remember… When I pray…I mean world is tuned out around me kind of praying- I've been having this image of God cupping my face. I don't see my face. I see His hands through my eyes. The image of BIG, STRONG, TENDER SWEET hands reaching for MY face. Theres a glow all around the hands almost like beams of light but its soft and gentle glowing. I lean into his warm hands. but there's no heavy feeling of my head. I don't HEAR words in my ears but I hear them in my heart and in my soul. God is telling me HE is taking care of me. “I've got you. I've got you” slow and gentle “I am taking care of you” “I'm right here.” “You're safe” “I've got you”
This was a very hard weekend and beginning of the week for me and my children due to some bad things going on in our broken family. Plus one of my biggest human cheerleaders/supporter and best friend moved a long way away yesterday. 12 Ordinary Women reminded me today that GOD HAS ME. HE IS TAKING CARE OF ME. not just barely covering my needs but abundantly taking care of us. He knows…I just sometimes need to be reminded. A physical out pouring reminder is what I needed. I am God's daughter. Just as I don't want my children to fear, he does not want me to fear. He's got me.
12 Ordinary Women- You are beautiful! Thank you.